A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I don't generally feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

People who throw kisses are mighty, hopelessly lazy.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.